“And not only historical fascism, the fascism of Hitler and Mussolini- which was able to mobilize and the use of desire of the masses so effectively- but also the fascism in us all, in our heads and in our everyday behavior, the fascism that causes us to love power, to desire the very thing dominates and exploits us.”
Foucault,
Preface to Anti-Oedipus by Deleuze and Guattari
Like the Cinderella and Snow White fairy tales, the staggering volume of movies churned out by Bollywood almost invariably end at the note of the hero and heroine uniting, after overcoming the vicissitudes thrown in by villains, and presumably living happily ever after. The scenario meshes in very well with the all-pervasive norm in Indian society of marriage as the culmination of a girl’s life, expressed in phrases and idioms used commonly by parents like: ‘bas ek bar ladki ke hath peele karde to chain aye’ (Once the girl gets married then we will be relieved). Even current chicklit like ‘Piece of Cake by Swati Kaushal’ and ‘Marrying Anita’ by Anita Jain centre-stage marriage for a woman, without which her life is incomplete.
Conscious/Unconscious expectations
In addition to idealized notions of love by Bollywood, for decades large hoardings and advertisements have been promoting the Wills cigarette ‘Made for each other contest’ with an implicit message: There is the one Prince Charming or Cinderella with whom there will be absolute congruence; that each and every facet of the personality will fit snugly into complementary slots in the other. The pitch of conscious and unconscious expectations from the partner in a ‘love’ relation gets raised unrealistically high by such subliminal messages. The other is looked upon as making up for all inadequacies and defects of the self as well as providing succor and relief from feelings of anguish and loneliness and lending a sense of completeness.
In the ‘The Golden Notebook’, Doris Lessing portrays two characters who are so much in ‘love’ that they have an understanding about reading each other’s personal diaries. This eventually leads to each of them keeping two diaries, one for the partner to read and the other for oneself. We find modern equivalents in ‘love’ demanding exchange of passwords of each other’s e-mail ids and reading each other’s text messages on mobile phones. In fact, recently a celebrity husband was in the news for beating up his wife in the middle of the night as she did not disclose the password to read the text message received on her phone.
Reality Check
Unfortunately, far from relief after the marriage of a daughter, the travails of married life nowadays results in many a parent running around to police stations and women’s cells seeking return of dowry items and cash, pursuing First Information Reports (FIRs), countering cross cases, seeking anticipatory bail in addition to efforts at re-conciliation and divorce cases in courts. The newspapers with distressing regularity report incidents of dowry deaths and domestic violence and it is increasingly difficult to maintain the illusion of domestic bliss and harmony. A sizable section of the clinics of psychotherapists seem to comprise of women depressed or disillusioned after marriage. In fact, even in a significant percentage of ‘love marriages’, the behavior after marriage seems to be markedly different from the period of courtship. The situation does not seem far different across class. Indeed Kakar, based on interviews of low-caste, poor women portrays a uniformly miserable picture of relations between the sexes in ‘Intimate Relations – Exploring Indian Sexuality’.
The current paper, attempts to bring to bear the psychoanalytic perspective on intimate relations with the hope that it might be useful and offer insights into the dynamics at play. To excerpt Freud (1912) referring to psychoanalytic research: “It has no other end in view than to throw light on things by tracing what is manifest back to what is hidden. It is quite satisfied if reforms make use of its findings to replace what is injurious by something which is more advantageous” (p 187).
Similarities and Antagonisms
Logic and rationality would seem to dictate that the more alien and distant the groups or communities the greater the antagonistic emotions. However, the violence seems particularly brutal when it involves communities which are to a large measure akin to each other – whether it is the killing of Muslims by Hindus in the Gujarat 2002 pogrom or the massacre of Tutsis by Hutus or of Bosnians by Serbs. The overwhelming similarities between the communities would at times make it difficult for outsiders to distinguish between the two warring/conflicting groups. Freud (1918) observed that “it is precisely the minor differences in people who are otherwise alike that form the basis of feelings of strangeness and hostility between them” (p.199) coined the term “narcissism of minor differences”. Elaborating, Freud (1921) writes “Of two neighbouring towns each is the other’s most jealous rival ……the South German cannot endure the North German, the Englishman casts every kind of aspersion on the Scot” (p. 101). In the same vein Kakar (1995) writes “There is a special quality to the enmity I feel for a person who resembles me most but is not me” (p. 55).
An unrelated area where we clearly see the phenomenon of narcissism of minor differences at play is in the splitting of left radical formations. The groups could well have close to 99% agreement; however, the 1% difference evokes a virulence murderous hatred and violence with the split formation being regarded as the ‘principal enemy’ to revolutionary change, with opposition to capitalism forgotten by the wayside.
Intimate Relations and the Tyranny of Agreement
In the context of intimate relations similar dynamics seem to be at play. Thus even a minor difference evokes murderous rage in the other. The love-object is seen as the same as the self and demands a total tyranny of agreement from the other. The difference evokes narcissistic hurt at the realization that the ‘other’ is different and ‘not me’. Simultaneously, the sameness provokes primitive anxieties of being engulfed and extinguishment of self. This seems to lead to the disowned ‘bad’ destructive parts of the self getting projected onto the other who is seen as the ‘enemy’, akin to the process in splitting political groups. At other times, disappointment in the conscious and unconscious expectations that the other would make up for the defects of the self, could act as a trigger to feelings of rage and violence.
The ‘other’ in the couple is not only the recipient of love, affection and tender feelings but also tempts us to give vent to our aggressiveness and impulse to violence. Freud (1930 {1929}) in the context of the biblical commandment ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself’ posits that “their neighbour is for them not only a potential helper or sexual object, but also tempts them to satisfy their aggressiveness on him …to humiliate him, to cause him pain, to torture and to kill him” (p.111). Continuing the thread Kakar writes: “Next to my brother, it is the neighbour that the Ten Commandments enjoin me to love as I do myself, precisely as my neighbour is the one I am most likely to consider as my rival” (p. 55 ).
The existence of feelings of aversion and hostility in intimate relations is one of the most difficult things to accept. At a conscious level we feel we have only love, care and affection for near and dear ones. A mother loves her child, yet at times experiences feelings of rage at the perceived obliteration of herself while catering to the needs of the demanding child. The child loves the breast from which it derives nutrition, but at times bites it in anger and frustration. Negative feelings towards a “loved” child or a respected parent are too unsettling to be tolerated and get thrust back into the unconscious. A phenomenon commonly observable in relations is dependency on a person simultaneously engendering “resentment” against the individual.
Alongside the child-parent, marriage partner and friendship relations, the intimacy of the master-servant relation seems to engender similar emotions. Naipaul perceptively observes, “in India I had seen mistress and man servant engage in arguments as passionate, as seemingly irreparable and as quickly forgotten as the arguments between husband and wife. Now I began to understand. To possess a personal servant, whose skill is to please, who has no function beyond that of service, is painlessly to surrender part of oneself. It creates dependence where none existed; it requires requital; and it can reduce one to infantilism. I became as alert to Aziz’s moods as he had been to mine. He had the power to infuriate me” (pp. 114-115).
Perhaps in recognition of the intimate nature of the domestic servant-master relation, the rights under the Domestic Violence Act, 2005 are available to women in shared household, which is a term broad enough to cover the abuse of live-in domestic maids, something that seems a not uncommon occurrence.
Splitting, Projection, Projective Identification
Often in intimate relations states of idealization and persecution alternate. In Kleinian terms the paranoid-schizoid position where the object is viewed as excessively good leading to overvaluation or viewed as extremely bad and hateful. As Steiner (1999) puts it, “The infant hates, and fears the hatred of the bad object, and a persecutory situation develops as a result” (p.47). An integration of the bad and the good leading to a shift in primary concern from the survival of the self to a concern for the object does not take place.
Klein formulated the concepts of splitting, projection and projective identification in the growing infant as a way of dealing with the bad destructive impulses and the playing out of these processes in the therapist-client/patient relation. The present attempt is to see the play of these processes in intimate relations with a view to help individuals to be able to take them on board in the conscious thus providing an opportunity to process rather than act out unconscious impulses.
One of the frequently occurring processes at play in intimate relations is of splitting and projection. Often an individual in the course of a discussion, splits off the angry part, projects it to onto the other and with increasing intensity of emotion escalates to shouting: “Who says I am angry! I am not angry! You are angry! I am calm! You are getting hysterical!”
The processes of splitting, projection and projective identification described by Klein in the context of the infant and mother seem to be of relevance in the dynamics of intimate relations. Paraphrasing Klein, it can be said: In intimate relations, the split off bad parts of the self are projected into the other, where she/he is not felt to be a separate individual but is felt to be the bad self. Much of the hatred against parts of the self is now directed to the other. This leads to a form of identification which is part of an aggressive object relation. Klein posits that the prototype of this aggressive object relation is formed as defence against primitive anxiety in the mother-infant interaction and terms the processes at play as ‘projective identification’.
Similarly, the container/contained formulation of Bion in the infant-mother context appears to be of relevance in intimate relations. An individual in an intimate relation on being overwhelmed and feeling assaulted by feelings he cannot manage throws (evacuates) them on to the other. If the partner can understand and accept the emotions without getting too distressed, that is in a sense ‘containment’, then the feelings become less difficult to accept leading to a taking back in a more manageable form. In a clinical setting, the attempts by the patient to arouse in the therapist feelings that they cannot tolerate but unconsciously wish to express can be understood as communication by the analyst. Bion gives an example where he felt afraid in a session with a psychotic patient and interpreted that the patient was pushing into Bion his fear that he would murder Bion. The atmosphere in the session became less tense but the patient clenched his fists. Bion said that the patient had taken the fear back into himself and now was (consciously) feeling afraid that he would make a murderous attack.
However, the overwhelming projections by a partner in an intimate relation could cause excessive disturbance in the other, leading to an intensification of emotions and escalation of conflict. Often in intimate relations, a partner may make the other feel humiliated and mistreated, feelings which she/he may be experiencing and finding intolerable and distressful.
Adversarial Legal System
Unfortunately, the feelings of humiliation, insult and injury mesh in with the adversarial system which forms the foundation of Anglo-saxon jurisprudence which underpins the Indian legal system. As the term indicates the system posits the contending parties as adversaries, with the associations of aggression, attack and defence. The adversarial system combined with the extremely low ethical standards of the legal profession and the lack of strict action by courts for perjury leads to a messy scenario in matrimonial cases. Matrimonial conflict, legal separation, divorce, maintenance and custody fall in the domain of civil law. Instances of wife battering and domestic violence are cognizable offences and punishable under criminal law. Apart from the genuine cases, the parties nursing grievances and feelings of injury rush to lawyers who in turn advise them to institute a plethora of cases, including criminal cases against the other side. Even reluctant individuals get persuaded by the logic that the filing of the cases would strengthen their hand and that it is better to file the case before the ‘other’ side. Often a matrimonial dispute may well result in half-a-dozen civil and criminal cases.
Perhaps realizing to some extent the lack of suitability of the adversarial paradigm, the courts increasingly refer cases of matrimonial conflict for mediation. This is an informal procedure which does not go as per the formal pleadings and evidence in court and attempts to unravel the core issues and reach a settlement acceptable to the contending persons. Mediation cells have been set up at courts and lawyers who volunteer are given some training and acts as mediators. Generally, the mediation is attended by the contesting parties, their respective lawyers and the mediator.
Mediation and psychic processes
Listening to the other which forms the core block in many a matrimonial dispute does not get sufficient room in the space peopled by too many actors. Quite apart from the beliefs of the parties involved in the matrimonial conflict, the individual prejudices and stereotypes of mediators and the respective lawyers with regard to dowry, marriage, role of husband/wife, mother/father, son/daughter find full play in the mediation room. The consciousness and understanding that the opinions, biases and prejudices of the mediator and lawyers are best kept out in the interests of mediation seems lacking.
The mediation process is not able to provide adequate space for the processing of the repressed emotions and unconscious psychic processes at play in the disputing parties which act as blocks. Processes by which distressful feelings are repressed into the unconscious and distort the perception of the other are little understood by the mediators. Say for example, in a situation of repression of distressful guilt into the unconscious by a partner translating into the conscious as “She is accusing me”, the mediator is not in a position to interpret and help the contending parties.
Suspecting the character and fidelity of the woman seem fairly common themes in matrimonial conflicts. An understanding of the occurrence of a divide in the psyche of a significant section of men between women to be respected and women who are desired and the inter-linked phenomenon of debasement of the sexual object as a condition for expression of sensuality would help in the mediation process. Freud (1912) “As soon as the condition of debasement is fulfilled, sensuality can be freely expressed, and important sexual capacities and a high degree of pleasure can develop” (p.183). In the words of Freud, “The whole sphere of love in such people remains divided in the two directions in art personified as the sacred and the profane (animal) love. Where they love they do not desire and where they desire they cannot love” (ibid). Similarly, helping the individuals understand that at times the suspicion wracking the relation is a result of experiencing passion when accompanied by jealousy, might be of help in the resolution of the matrimonial conflict. Freud (1910) “It is only when they are able to be jealous that their passion reaches its height and the woman acquires the full value, and they never fail to seize on an occasion that allows them to experience these most powerful emotions” (p.167).
The prolonging and refusal to agree to the termination of a relation by one of the partners when there seems little love lost between them resulting in an impasse in reaching a settlement is another puzzling occurrence in matrimonial conflict resolution. At times this clinging on may not be due to feelings of affection but due the hostility and antagonism evoked in the relation and the desire for some form of vengeance. As Freud (1918) puts it, “They cannot get away from them, because they have not completed their revenge upon them, and in pronounced cases they have not even brought the impulses for vengeance to consciousness” (p.208).
The way ahead
The orders by courts referring matrimonial cases for mediation leave enough room for the option of family therapy/counseling or individual psychotherapy/counseling sessions to be open to the disputing parties. The processing of emotions repressed in the unconscious which contribute to disproportionate intensity of negative emotions like rage and anger may lead to reality checks resulting in more balanced approach to the issues at stake. The work on and the realization of the psychic processes at play may result in acknowledgment of the bad aspects of one self, taking back of projections onto the other leading to more mature understandings. A combination of couples/individual therapy and mediation may be a constructive avenue to explore in the area of resolution of matrimonial disputes.
References:
Bion, W.R.(1955), Language and the Schizophrenic in New Directions in Psychoanalysis, London: Tavistock Publication, 220-39.
Foucault, Michael (2004) in Preface “Anti-Oedipus”, Capitalism and Schizophrenia, Deleuze Giles and Guattari, Felix –Continuum, 2004.
Freud, Sigmund (1910), A Special Type of Choice of Object made by Men Std Edn Vol XI.
Freud,Sigmund (1912), On the Universal Tendency to Debasement in Love, Std Edn Vol XI.
Freud, Sigmund (1918), The Taboo of Virginity, Std Edn Vol XI.
Freud, Sigmund (1921), Group Psychology, Std Edn Vol XVIII.
Freud,Sigmund, Civlization and its Discontents (1930{1929}), Std Edn Vol XXI p.111
Jain, Anita, Marrying Anita, Bloomsbury (2008).
Kakar, Sudhir , Intimate Relations-Exploring Indian Sexuality, Penguin (1989)
Kakar,Sudhir, The Colours of Violence (1995), Penguin .
Kaushal, Swati, Piece of Cake, Penguin (2004).
Klein, M, Notes on some schizoid mechanism (1946) in The Writings of Melanie Klein, vol. 3, Envy and Gratitude and other Works, London, Hogarth Press 1-24.
Lessing, Doris, The Golden Notebook, Simon and Schuster (1962).
Naipual, V.S., An Area of Darkness, Penguin (1964).
Spillius, Elizabeth Blott, Clinical Experiences of projective identification, p.62 see in Robin Anderson ed. Clinical Lectures on Klein and Bion, Routledge, 1999.
Steiner John, The equilibrium between the paranoid-schizoid and depressive positions p.47 see in Robin Anderson ed. Clinical Lectures on Klein and Bion, Routledge, 1999.
